8 Mar 2017
During the last three months I underwent three surgeries in my pubic area: fixing an inguinal hernia, moving from the uncut to the cut category, and fixing my balls in place.
In the days following my surgeries, I suffered from swollen balls, a bruised, bleeding dick, and a painfully distended abdomen – not to mention two prominent scars that needed TLC. Now, a few weeks later, my body is a bit different from what it was a while ago. My balls now sit closer to my abdomen so my b(e)lls no longer ring in the way they used to. My dick has a collar of scar tissue like that of the nobles of the Victorian era, making it truly unique. And my belly is still deflating on its way back to normality.
The healing process made me reflect on the fact that our body speaks whenever it needs to, and it does so in its own way. We may be under the illusion that we can ignore it, fight against it, or control it. But the truth is: we cannot.
After surgery, I just wanted to be back to my ‘normal’ self as soon as possible. I resisted the feeling of weakness. Having been told that recovery takes between seven to ten days, I blocked out the first ten days for recovery and was considering flying on the twelfth. However, my first steps on the ground soon set my b(e)lls ringing – my body’s alarm to slow down. The sensations of pain triggered many thoughts that fed into my existential anxieties: Did I recover well? Did I need to be operated again? Was there something more serious?
But in all of this, my body didn’t bother to explain itself. It did not care about my able-bodied masculinity feeling compromised by the physical weakness I was experiencing. It did what it needed to do. While I was trying to drag it forward, so it would run as I expected it to, it grabbed me by the hand and yanked me back, making me walk beside it at its pace.