10 Jan 2017
S&M: sadism and masochism – two words that elicit a range of reactions from disgust and judgement to curiosity and excitement. Some would argue that they are the manifestation of an inability to really connect with another person, seeking power over loving intimacy – a form of abuse, even. It’s no surprise that they were diagnosed as sexual perversions, before they were formally removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual in 2013. Even so, stigma about them lingers. But there is more to S&M than meets the eye – or the skin.
Masochism is not so much about seeking pleasure through pain. Instead, it is more about the explicit and consensual willingness to pay the price of giving up something that is yours in order to keep – and potentially deepen – one’s intimacy with another. Outside of that, it becomes abuse – and this can take various forms. Such is the case when one stays in a harmful relationship, or one that is no longer working, out of fear of change and the risk of ending up alone. The same goes for hiding aspects of one’s identity and feeling guilty about expressing oneself authentically, fearing that one would be rejected and abandoned by loved ones. The same can be said for drinking or using other substances to feel able to interact with and belong to one’s peers, or the act of using religious guilt as a way of not being assertive about one’s needs.
Likewise, there is much more to sadism than the pleasure of controlling or inflicting pain on another. It is about making explicit and consensual the aggressive act of stepping into one’s own power and unapologetically following one’s desire. Stepping outside of this, once again, becomes abusive. One observes this when someone attempts to dominate a discussion or stubbornly sticks to their point regardless of what others are saying, when one pushes to be in the spotlight at the expense of others, or when someone forces others to be their audience. We see it in the manipulations that happen at work and in politics, where the people who have the role to serve favour their ego over the wellbeing of others. Or in religious institutions that legitimise violence of any kind with a divine seal.
It is easy to stigmatise sexual sadomasochism. In creating a scapegoat, we conceal from our awareness how these dynamics show up in our daily lives in a concealed way, turning them into abuse, and eroding our intimacy with ourselves and others.
Ultimately, we all engage in S&M. Some of us prefer consensually tying up and spanking each other in the bedroom. Others live out the same dynamics in an obscure and non-consensual way in everyday life. I’d rather enjoy the former.