If our biology is wired in such a way that we need connection with others, one thing it will definitely have an impact on is how we live out our sexuality. It’s no wonder that we experience such a strong drive for sexual connection, whatever form it takes! And no wonder that when it happens in connection to another, overcoming the sense of separateness, we experience the orgiastic, trance-like state! One can also observe the power of this drive for connection through sex even in masturbation, porn, compulsive sex as all these unite us at a deeper level with our body. The drive is so powerful that at times it makes us ready to do anything to sexually connect to another, even ignoring actual risks.
But in the process we risk becoming separated from ourselves and so the ultimate feeling would still be of separateness. So to feel connected, we need to be grounded in ourselves and in relation with the other.
Some would argue that masochism and sadism are a disconnection as they involve domination over another. They are seen as ‘deviant sexual practices’ by psychological diagnostic manuals. But there is more to them than meets the eye, or the flesh.
Masochism is not mainly about seeking pleasure through pain. It is that dynamic whereby I am willing to to pay the price of being hurt, deprived, humiliated, restrained so as to keep a connection with the other. It can entail staying in a relationship that isn’t working or staying with an abusive partner because I’m afraid of changing and losing the attachment. It can involve not coming out sexually, or in other aspects of one’s identity, out of fear of the reactions of other people and the possibility of being rejected and abandoned by them. It can entail drinking too much alcohol or consuming other substances to feel a sense of belonging to my mates. It can involve conforming in any way that deprives me from expressing and being myself so as not to face the terrifying prospect of ending up alone. And in sex it can even take the form of sticking to usual and ‘acceptable’ sexual practices out of fear of being fully me by expressing my sexual fantasies, or just adopting a passive stance out of a sense of disempowerment.
Likewise, there is much more to sadism then enjoying inflicting physical or psychological pain on another. It is about taking direct control of the connection with the other person, almost forcing it to happen, and integrating within it the aggressive drive, even if in a passive aggressive manner. We see it when we try to dominate a discussion or stubbornly stick to our point regardless of what others are saying, when we try to be seen and taken note of at the expense of others, or when we force others into becoming our audience. We see it when people manipulate others at work or primarily favour their ambition in their life decisions. And in sex it can take the form of expecting the other to engage in sex given that I want it or have initiated it, or always being the active one or the one in control.
But in these ‘opposites’ is the fundamental need to connect to the other, be it the other person or my body. And in sex, this connection takes on a bodily dimension which makes it stronger. We pathologise it’s sexual manifestation because of this bodily intensification. And yet the same dynamics are lived out in so many aspects of our lives!